What Now?

I used to be one that didn't like reading. However, when I lived in Germany I didn't have a t.v. in my dorm style apartment. I quickly learned to like reading and I discovered I didn't hate it as much as I thought I did. There were a lot of books I became engrossed with. I couldn't wait 'til the end to see if the romance was going to develop out of certain characters, or if it was the ending I was expecting. After reading a few chapters I just couldn't wait for the outcome. I had to know the outcome. I'd flip to the last 2 chapters and scan the pages until I found my answer. Then I'd sigh in relief with a smile on my face, and go back to finishing the book. My friends thought I was crazy for doing that. They said I was ruining the story because I knew the ending. Au contraire I say...even though I knew the ending it was still exciting to see how everything played out in the story.
Yesterday I was in Walmart when I got the unexpected news about the CO position. I was told that the date had been pushed back again (along with other complications of which I wont go into since this is on the web). In a nutshell my supervisor and I decided it was best we not pursue this any further and that I look for other job opportunities. It's funny how God works. Sunday, I had an urge to look at the classifieds in the paper. Then yesterday I said a silent prayer to God asking him to open or shut this door. I thought this was the door he'd opened because all others were being shut. Where did I go wrong? Was it something I'd said in interviews, something on my resume, why am I not getting hired anywhere? Then out of the blue this job was offered to me. This seemed to be the door God was opening. Even after I accepted the position I still got offers but nothing ever came of them. I admit when I was first going to go I was ready to go in a heartbeat. Then with the setbacks I got resettled in my life. I met a new groups of friends that I had a lot of fun with along with my other friends. Inside I wanted to take my friends with me, but new that I couldn't. This was an emotional time for me. I wasn't just leaving for a short term mission trip. I was making a life changing move. I was looking forward to the snow, seeing Colorado, and meeting new people. When I got the call yesterday there was a bit of relief because I had closure, but there was also a bit of disappointment and uncertainty. I started to breakdown in the car. Emotions were going everywhere. The past couple of years have been an emotional roller coaster.
On the way home Mom said, "Well you did say you didn't want to leave your friends." I just nodded and through sobs said "I know, but I was looking forward to going." We quickly laughed at the fact how hard it is to please women.
What now? Where do I go from here? Do I go back for my masters in education and teach? Do I pursue web design? I don't know. I enjoy both careers but for either I know I'll have to pursue further education. Then there's my Pampered Chef business. I love it and I'd love the hours. I'd have more freedom to go on vacations when I wanted to and meet people for lunch dates. I can move anywhere and my business goes with me. There are secret dreams I have that only a few know about. Do I pursue those? There's so much to think about!
My room is mostly packed, boxes line the walls almost to the ceiling. I miss my favorite things, but I don't want to unpack the boxes. I'll start looking for a place of my own this summer.
Last night I couldn't go to sleep. I thought about the days events, replayed everything in my head, and cried some more. As I lay there I thought to myself, "This is a lot like having your flight delayed. There have been delays after delays and now it's being cancelled." I'll be honest I'm frustrated, but I'm also dealing with other emotions. Part of me feels like the boy who cried wolf. Just hear me out please. I know I'm not and it's not my fault I just need to vent what I'm feeling. Another emotion I've dealt with is fear. Fear of the unknown in CO, fear of making the trip by myself, and fear of what people would say after the first setback came. I didn't want to see some people because I feared what they would say to me. In reality, I was wrong about that and they were more than supportive to me. "Fear can intimidate us, pin us into a corner, and keep us from being all God created us to be. The good news is, love always conquers fear!"- Experiencing Peace by Marilyn Meberg.
Am I mad at God? Am I disappointed with God? The answer is no. I'm not mad at him nor am I disappointed with God. I am disappointed the job didn't work out and I am so confused at this point. I really thought this is where God wanted me.
This truly has represented my blog title "Destination Unknown"! I appreciate all your prayers and support. Please keep me in your prayers because I don't know what's in store next or where I'll be. One thing is for sure I'll still get to be on the women's committee at church and help out with some spring events! Oh and my favorite speaker ,Beth Moore, is coming to Little Rock in April! I'll get to hear her speak! YAY! Can't wait!
God has a plan and a purpose. I wish I could flip to the end of this chapter and see the final outcome (not dying), but I know I can't. I'll just take it one day at a time.
Ciao!