Journey Home

Tonight as I drove home on the rain soaked road my mind wandered as the water swished between the tires & the road. The wipers motioned back and forth clearing the water. The city light cast a pink hue against the midnight gray sky. Clouds were strung about like cotton candy. The cd played a jazzy blue song. The trumpet was strong, the piano played in the background, and the light sounds of the drums took me away. I imagined my alter ego dressed in casual but stylish clothes wearing a pea coat, crocheted scarf, and a beret walking down a foggy rain soaked cobblestone drive on my way to a coffee house to listen to some poetry. Suddenly the music changes and I'm walking through the door into a dance hall. My dress is Navy with white polka dots, my hair is curled and pinned perfectly in that 40's style. Men are dressed to the hilt in their three piece suits, winged tipped shoes, & hats. Suddenly I'm dancing the swing. 123, 123, rock step, 123, 123, rock step spinning in and out. Finally "I'll Be Home for Christmas" played and there I was standing outside of house looking in. Watching the family play games and laugh, children running about, while others held their little ones and talked. Suddenly it felt like home walking in the snow as my boots crunched in the snow. I entered my apartment and started a fire. I curled up on the couch with a good book and drifted off into another world.

Breaking Bread

In 4 days families will gather together to celebrate Thanksgiving. For some a meal ordered will be their choosing and for others it will be days of preparation. In my family the meal revolves around the stuffing. Good 'ole Yankee stuffing. Not one of my favorites and I believe I'm the only one in the family that doesn't like it. Still it's tradition. One I will pass on to my children some day.
Mom came home and was ready to start step one of the process. I was in the middle of something when she started so I opted out of helping her at the time. She put her Christmas music on and started breaking bread. After a while I sat down to join her. We began to talk about some serious issues I've been dealing with about trust, God, relationships, futures etc.... I sat in my chair leaned forward with my elbows on the table. Beneath my hands was a tin pan. I talked and looked to the ceiling as I was trying to articulate what I wanted to say. At the same time I was breaking bread and tossing it into the pan. Apparently mom thought this was comical and tried to imitate me. Only when she threw the bread it went outside of the pan. I'm just the master at it. ha ha. Anyway it was a bonding time for us and a time to realize even with tradition we have 2 different ways of doing things.

Trust

What does trust mean to you? When you trust someone does that generally mean you trust them completely with their decisions or actions? Or does it mean you trust them to a point and if they fail you then you take over? Do you find it difficult to trust because of past experiences? What has to be done for someone to gain your trust?
Today in church the sermon focused on trusting God. God is big enough to handle what life throws at us. There are times we feel He's not there but He is. He's strong enough to hold us up, strengthen us, empower us, heal us, etc.... He's never going to leave us.
He's always there to provide what we need. Granted he doesn't give us everything we ask for. What he does give is only what we need to meet our needs.
Tonight in church we sang "Hungry" in the chorus it says "So I wait for you, So I wait for you. I'm falling on my knees offering all of me, Jesus you're all this heart is living for..." And it reminded me of trust. Do I trust God with every aspect of my life, relationships, jobs, future, missions etc.... And I go through phases where I totally trust God but then there are times when Satan creeps in and I start to believe the doubts he's planted in my head and I begin to take some of that trust back from God. I begin to not fully trust Him. I find when I stop trusting him things don't go right and I'm fighting for things to go right.
In the book I'm reading of short stories I can relate to most of the female characters in each of the stories. One in particular really stands out to me. In one of the chapters she's having a discussion with the man she's dating about fear. His response to her "God didn't give you a spirit of fear." It goes on to say "You fear because you don't trust God." It hit me...I don't trust God fully in certain areas because I'm afraid. I feel like He can't handle it. And it's Satan doing that to me. Listening to Pastor speak this morning and then the song tonight re-iterated that God is more powerful than I can imagine and he's strong enough to hold me up. God knows the plans he has for me and what is to come in my life. He knows the struggles I will face in the future. I don't have to do this alone. I came to the conclusion I've got to stop being "miss independent" and rely on God. Trust him fully that he has the best plans for my life. When I begin to trust him, rely on him, and wait on him my fears will subside and I will have peace.

Blessed Be Your Name

Do you have a song you love. Every time you hear it on the radio you turn it up and sing as loud as you can or when you sing it in church you get this happy feeling? Usually you know the song backwards and forwards you've sung it so many times and then one day the song takes on a whole new light. Suddenly the words sink in to you. What was once your favorite song that you could sing at a moments notice is now taking on a deeper meaning. It's causing you to evaluate yourself, actions, attitude, words etc....you can barely get the words out, your mouth tightens up, and you fight back the tears. You reflect on others you've seen portray the message of the song to the fullest and you ask yourself if you would do the same if in a situation like theirs.Blessed Be Your Name is one of my favorite songs and Sunday it took on a whole new meaning for me. We began our service with a memorial to the veterans and also to those who've passed away in our congregation. A lot has happened in the year I was in Germany and I'm just now finding out One of those honored was a relative of a friend of mine. She wasn't that much older than me, a wife, and a mother of 2 children. As we began to sing the song I found it hard to sing as I concentrated on the words. I thought of her and how her outlook on life was positive despite her illness, then I thought about a friend of mine who's young grandson is going through a similar situation and the prognosis isn't good, my aunt who went through years of cancer and yet up till the very end gave God all the glory and shared with everyone. I also recalled the story of Job who lost everything and his friends made fun of him yet through it all he said "Blessed Be Your Name". All of these people truly reflecting this song. I thought about my own life and how selfish I had been when something didn't work out. It was God's plan but I wanted Jenn's plan to work. God gives and takes away and our attitude should "Blessed Be Your Name" even when we don't understand it should always be trusting God that he knows what is right for us and give him glory. The sermon discussed being blessed by God. One of the points my pastor made was that sometimes we base "blessings" on materialism. God doesn't promise us he'll make us wealthy or give us everything we ask for. He provides what we need to sustain us and sometimes what we ask for isn't in his plan or maybe isn't even a good thing / situation for us.Sunday was just an awesome day of revelations for me I had a smile on my face driving home. I sort of felt like I was in an orbit gum commercial and there should be a sparkle and ding sound coming off my teeth. I laughed on the drive home as I saw a bike going across a bride in the air. Of course it was attached to a small car of which I couldn't see. The point is I felt refreshed and renewed nothing was going to bring down that "spiritual high".